Sometimes a parent is so committed to hurting the other parent and knowing how to hurt them, they attempt to take the children away, prevent him or her from having any time with their children, and communicate to the children how awful the other parent is. Sometimes a parent is so angry with the other parent that all they can seek is revenge as they spew angry behavior. They sometimes do and say things that are meant to get back and hurt the other parent but, in the process, they fail to recognize the harm and damage that they are doing to their children. In one scenario the parent is conscious of what they are doing, manipulating the children in order to get back or even with the other parent. The other scenario is unconscious in that they are unaware their behavior is having any effect on the children. In most cases parents who alienate their children, consciously or unconsciously, do not realize the harm that they are doing to their children.
The children in these conflictual families observe their parents in their battle. From observation comes imitation and the alienation dynamic begins. Sometimes they see one parent as a victim of the misdeeds of the other. Frequently, they are told of the maltreatment the parent received and many times how the children were mistreated as well. Children want to please their parents and will frequently imitate a parent’s behavior, especially the parent with whom they are living. Children do not want their parents to suffer so they do and say things to try to help. Once a child begins to side with a parent in these conflicts, they are frequently reinforced for the loyalty and as a result their behavior increases. This description is but one example of how this process progresses; there can be others.
However, the children are attached to both parents, so how do they turn against the other? Keep in mind parents teach children on a daily basis through words, facial expressions, and body language. Developing nervous systems are primed to take in any and all information and retain it. Hence, the process of learning. However, sometimes children observe and experience things that they misinterpret. They also make conclusions about themselves, others, and the world around them that are simply incorrect. In other words, they frequently form false beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them. These false beliefs are frequently encouraged by a parent about the other parent.
In addition, sometimes children find themselves being put in a loyalty bind by one parent; that is, loving both parents but being pulled in one direction. Once this process starts they are virtually compelled to continue supporting one parent over the other. More often than not, they are living with the parent whom they appear to be gravitating toward. Frequently, the reality is that the children are in fear of the parent they appear to be supporting and, therefore, attempt to ensure their unconscious sense of survival by demonstrating their loyalty to them by rejecting the other parent. Sometimes, of course, the rejected parent who is confused and at times angry over what is happening to them will behaviorally lash out. This behavior only serves to validate the misinformation communicated about him or her. And, so, this dynamic continues and worsens as time and litigation go by. This process of manipulating children to reject a parent is nothing short of child abuse and have been demonstrated in research that it is at times worse than physical or sexual abuse. Mental health professionals unfamiliar with this dynamic will frequently misinterpret the behavior of the entire family and in trying to be helpful will unwittingly support the alienating parent and validate the children’s false beliefs. Such professionals who do this only strengthen the apparent attachment between the alienated child and the alienating parent. Yes, of course, psychopathology plays a role. The more psychologically disturbed the parents are the worse the situation gets, the more severe the alienation becomes, and the prognosis worsens for the family.
Correcting this dynamic does not include counseling or psychotherapy; these modalities only exacerbate this dysfunctional family dynamic. Reunification includes work that will teach children that things are not always, what we think they are. Children and adults also need to learn that humans are very vulnerable to suggestion leading to misinterpretations, at times inappropriate behavior, and frequently false memories. Reuniting families requires education on communication skills, problem solving, and appropriate family dynamics. Finally, alienated children need to be reunited with their rejected parent in order to re-experience their love and devotion as well as to gain from them everything that that parent has to give to their children. Ideally, a divorced family needs to learn how to reconfigure themselves so that their children can benefit from both parents.
Robert A. Evans, Ph.D.
Dr. Evans received his Ph.D. in Educational Psychology and Evaluation from The Catholic University of America in 1982. He became licensed in Florida as a School Psychologist in 1987. He is trained as a Family Divorce Mediator, Parenting Coordinator, Guardian ad Litem, Collaborative Law Practice, and Child Custody Evaluator. Since 1993, Dr. Evans has practiced Forensic Psychology exclusively. He has co-authored the book The Essentials of Parent Alienation Syndrome and number of articles for bar association journals and publications. He has testified as an expert on Parental Alienation (PA) in numerous courts across the U.S. as to what PA is, how to identify it, and how to rehabilitate it. Dr. Evans is an approved sponsor of continuing education for psychologists by the American Psychological Association and has been approved by many U.S. legal bar associations to conduct continuing legal education on a variety of topics, including Litigating Family Law Cases with Parent Alienation, and Critiquing and Reviewing Child Custody Evaluations. He is the co-founder of the National Association of Parental Alienation Specialists, LLC. (NAOPAS.com).
Hello Dr Evans, I was glad to find your site and appreciated your post from 3/5/18, which matches my experience as a clinician. I am a psychotherapist and began working 2 years ago with a woman who is the victim of parental alienation. I was unfamiliar with the syndrome when we started our work, and I initially made the common mistake of thinking that she, the alienated parent, was the main problem in the family system, but I was lucky enough to have the instincts and intuition to sense into into the heart of the matter, and have since learned much more about on the subject through working with this client. My client, despite continued failed efforts to reach a reasonable custody arrangement with her ex-husband through legal and therapeutic means (their family therapist did all the wrong things, and I could not sway him), with no improvement in the father’s active alienation of their two children from her — has miraculously reached a place of strength and acceptance, and it has awakened in her a desire for activism. She just told me she wants to begin networking with other victims, organizing and leading support groups, and working on a state level to influence legislation. She is in Massachusetts. I’m trying to find her resources in or New England so she can ally with others working on this issue. Wondering if you could point us towards any experts in the field in our area of the country? Thank you so much.
I suggest that you/she Google parental alienation support groups and you will find many on-line groups. You may even find some that hold local meetings. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Hello, I am an alienated parent. I would be glad to know of support groups in Massachusetts. I would also like to be in touch with other parents but am uncertain on the best way to effect such contact. Any advice you offer would be appreciated.
I wish to become more activist in my approach; any known groups’ information would be welcomed. Please feel free to pass along my contact information.
There are many support groups around I suggest you Google them and reach out. You will be accepted.
This is so accurate. I have been abused of all kinds for over 20 years by my soon to be ex spouse. We have 2 children together and our 20 year old daughter cannot handle mentally or physically what’s going on. She completely isolated herself away from family and friends and is staying with her boyfriends parents who are extremely financially stable and have a huge company they own. Our daughter keeps in contact with me. My son is 13 and has turned from loving me to hating me the day his father was arrested. My divorce and custody case has been going on for 23 months now and set for one last pretrial and a trial October of this year. My ex lied about who he was for 17 years saying he’s adopted and Colombian and I found out the truth that he is not the first time I said divorce about 7 years ago. My ex lies about a lot and put us in a lot of debt. He threatened me for years while he physically abused me. He has not cooperated the entire 23 months as he is paying lawyers and GAL off with a settlement he got of $253,000 and I knew it was coming but couldn’t wait anymore he was isolated me from family and friends saying I had a pill problem and was crazy. I have grown up as my mother’s friend and my parents divorced when I was in high school. I know big secrets of the family due to being like a friend to my mom growing up other than a daughter. My own mother turned on me for 2 years on and off but my stepfather threatened divorce due to the way I was being treated and the things I knew. My soni has to watch as his father said he would do is turn him on me blaming a guy I’m with. The guy I’m with both my kids were ok with until the arrest. My ex is extremely sick and 3 therapists including our Christian counselor told my ex he had to let me go as there’s too much damage and my ex needs serious help with both a psychologist and psychiatrist. The medical records will show this but unfortunately the judge was biased extremely and was allowing him to not cooperate. I now have a new judge and I am pro se as I ran out of money being $40,000 in and no cooperation and my son hating me. I’m still fighting and my last lawyer told me extremely biased and the stats I was talking about are extremely accurate. She has helped me a bit after dismissing me due to being indigent. I now have foodshare and Badger care as my drs do not want me working due to my health until after the divorce and my health improves. I am finally getting cooperation from the courts after addressing stats of the constitution and laws being broken. I am extremely driven yet my depression has hurt my spirit quite a bit but I’m never giving up and know Gods on my side. I also have support from the Family Peace Center and my advocate stays in contact with me and is coming to the pretrial and trial. She said she’s so proud of all I am doing and she’s so impressed. I now am pro se and fighting for my son as I know the control and manipulation from his father all too well. I do have a 10 year restraining order on my ex due to domestic violence and the judge ordered that going over my head asking for a 4 year restraining order. The judge also ordered his guns to be turned in and him to have no possession of guns for the remaining 10 years with the restraining order. I was a manager at Target for over 20 years and in 2014 my family dr of over 6 years suggested I quit cause I hit stroke level too many times and had no peace any where. I stayed too long with my ex after quitting my job December of 2014 and he set me up and flipped the story on me as I was battling depression and anxiety along with chronic migraines, fibromyalgia and hypertension. I wantedmy ex to get help because I was scared to divorce and have my children alone with him as he’s very toxic. That’s a quick glimpse of my nightmare. My therapist wants me to write a book about narcissistic personality disorder and I have made it know I will write and publish books about my life struggles dealing with someone who is extremely narcissistic and they say he is a sociopath. They meaning the mental health professionals. Please help me, I’m fighting for my life and my sons.
Unfortunately you need legal advise; something I can’t give. Have you tried legal aid? I know sometimes their services are inadequate but if they can get educated that might help. I would be happy to speak with one if you can get one on your case.
Am in a situation right now that my babys father is doing false claiming and so far he gotten away with keeping my son when he was three months old away for six months and the allegations were blamed on both parents yet I was still alienated from my son to get counseling while we signed an agreement so my son father didn’t have to finish drug treatment program . the dhs worker dropped out of this case and I could only see my son for one day a week supervised and they lied in court and the court forced me to hand over personal mental health info because they needed more to go on to keep my son away I feel that this judge violated my parental rights and has enabled alienation and that has made a impact on my son . I now after completing their stipulations to see my son.i have half parenting time as his father is custodial parent ive lost the right to be able to take him to a pediatrician here there is no way to take him to a doc visit here for his father lives in salem and thats where id have to take him I live and hour and half away and so far the he kept medical info from me ive missed doctor visit because he purposely misinformed me and he also already has attemped block visit rights I have recorded and by doing so has already violated the agreement also I never been through any thing like this before so am unfamiliar with family court and ive noticed the pattern of alienation from my my sons father and Am concerd how this is going to hurt him please I beg you for his sake help
It would be good for your attorney to get in touch with me. Have him or her call 727-786-0600
I wont get too much into my story as we are in litigation. Long story short…I have been to court 15 plus times in 4 yrs. My kids are very small. I dont really fit into the commonalities as my kids live with me and side with dad. Domestic violence reapatedly seen and tgreatened to otger women create fear in them that is big. They arent physically abused bc the fear of that is big enough for now. Scary but add an immenent fear of danger with witnessing an act or two and there is a cocktail for something ugly. Throw on some chaarm and call it grace and you now have little soldiers who think a violent person is a savior and the kids victim to anyone the alienator says. My last judge determined alienation. Long road and less a ton of details but I am also prose. I am working with a parenting coach who is nothing less than amazing. But wondering if there are more resources on turning this boat around. The courts will do what they want. I keep standing my ground and all. But the reality is that regardess of the verdict ..the damage is in the kids. That means if we hope only in court intervention it doesnt fix the damage to them. Dont get me wrong. .I am so greatful for the information online for identifying the problem. And for it being noticed in courts. But. . That was just the tip of the iceburg. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a few things. This is a hard hit. And hard to cope with. And the stress can get to a person. Maybe its that one moment of frusteration when we act up. For one it is throwing hands up in the air giving up. Yet another parent maybe the rookie mistake of asking “do you behave that way at the other parents house” when the child lashes out on them. (I think it reinforces the concept that the kids are somehow better off with the other parent. A silent message that reinforces them to be good with the alienating parent and reinforcing that they are somehow bad with the target. I havent put my finger on it totally but just a thought. ) I talk to a lot of parents going thru this. And most are broke. Tired. And loosing hope. Because the things you go thru to even id the problem are horrific. Then once you see what it is…trying to show the court drains finances and energy. And mental energy to prep for court. Its easy to loose sight of why we are doing this. Those two things are all consuming. Much less not having a clue how to protect these little minds of the kids who are now soldiers in a war.
Anyway. Turning the boat requires a lot of little nuggets. There isnt a lot of available info on how to change it. How to protect the littles minds. How to counteract the manipulation…rewriting hx….the slander and hate …..or encouraging the kids to be violent. I would be really interested in activities and things for elementary school kids…and middle school kids… how to overcome. The memory erasing we use old pics to show kids with me…and some with dad seperately that thx god I asked for before I knew alienation was the culprit. (Now he cant say I refused to let him see the kids when he took off on his own free will) (or before thay tried telling them they never saw me when they were babies) But it takes so much more for the kids. From dealing with the trauma of witnessing violence to coersion to hate and everything in between. …somethings I have been able to isolate and work on. Others I am learning. I find at times I had no idea that a certain skill or concept could be taught and have impact… was important in this. Or how to teach or even to call out bc they are comcepts even adults sometimes fail to get. But crucial in this. I would like to read more about tools people have used that helped. I know it takes a whole tool box…not just one concept. But I am shopping for some zingers bc I refuse to give in to hate. I cant stop it. But I can walk it out with them..praying they not be blund by this forever. Praying that as their brains develop their limbic system quiets and their frontal cortex is free to process. Tools like how to overcome bad world views formed in kids after child abuse and how to deal with this personally…It hurts to the high heavens sometimes and creates ctd trauma as a parent. Not that I am a victim (I refuse to be) but it is heartbreaking. I think I do ok but I know I have moments where its a total mommy failure. Moments of real happiness come when breakthru is near or here. When they are kind for a moment to eachother or laugh again for a moment. But how do I get them to a point where I can enjoy having kids again? Where they enjoy being kids. Even if just brief moments of putting their soldier faces down. Moments with a glimmer of hope.
I have a parenting coach. But so many dont. Many of my close friends even. We need training. To be what they need us to be for them. We need ideas. And info that goes beyond seeing the problem. But ways to brick by brick take down the house of hate and brick by brick rebuild their minds and hearts.
Check out some of Amy Baker’s work on rehabilitation and her programs. Also go to Linda Gottlieb’s web site for ideas; it’s called Turnibg points for families.
3 years no contact soon is 16 now. Lost 2w lbs in 6 months. Was with ex 15 years. He was single dad with 3 when i met him did the same to his ex. So sad
Try not to give up. I know this is very hard. Keep reaching out with cards, emails, whatever you can use. Try to contact someone who is close to him and work through them. The best to you.
Hello my name is Eddie Burns from Sydney Australia. I was alienated from my 3 girls lost our home everything got nothing. I am a professional counsellor after my experience many years ago, I certainly have learnt a lot.I have been studying parental alienation for the last 10 months plus much more and work in writing reports that can be read in the Australian Family Court by the Judge.
I do feel for all of you who have or going through this terrible experience, as I read, parental alienation is the ultimate hate crime glad I am not like that
as I read the alienator hates the other parent so much, they forget to love their children. We can hold our heads high knowing we love our children.
If the kids say and do hurtful things to you remember it’s not them talking it’s the manipulation from alienator talking through the kids.The lies from alienator will catch up to them and the kids will know the truth, be the rock for the children they need you. Remember take a step back and make time for yourself, eg swimming, walking be waiting for the kids they will be back. Please don’t walk away deep down the kids want you near them they need that caring, loving parents to get them through all this as hard as it is, you will eventually reaps the rewards. EDDIE