17 Strategies of Parental Alienation

There are a variety of strategies undertaken by an alienating parent to interfere with the relationship between the children and the targeted parent. All the strategies shown by research to be prevalent in the alienation process do not have to be present for alienation to occur. These specific strategies are addressed below.

Badmouthing – An alienating parent uses verbal and non-verbal communications that convey to the child that the targeted parent is unloving, unsafe, and unavailable. Existing flaws are exaggerated, and non-existent flaws are manufactured. Statements are made frequently, intensely, with great sincerity, and unbalanced by anything positive.

Limiting Contact – The alienating parent violates parenting plans and/or takes advantage of ambiguities in the plan to maximize time with the child. The targeted parent has fewer opportunities to counter the badmouthing message, leading to the attenuation of the parent-child attachment relationship. The child acclimates to spending less time with the targeted parent and the court might even reward the alienating parent by instituting the new “status quo” as the permanent schedule.

Interfering with Communication – The alienating parent demands constant access to the child when the child is with the targeted parent but does not reciprocate when the child is with him/her. Phones are not answered, e-mail messages are blocked, and messages are not forwarded. The targeted parent has fewer opportunities to be a part of the child’s daily world and share with the child the small moments that make up a child’s life.

Interfering with Symbolic Communication – Thinking about, talking about, and looking at pictures of a parent while away can help a child feel close and connected to an absent parent. The alienating parent creates an environment in which the child does not feel free to engage in these activities with respect to the targeted parent. Alienating parents, however, can make their presence felt to the child even when the child is with the targeted parent. The child is preoccupied with thoughts of the alienating parent, making frequent calls to check in, following rules imposed by the alienating parent, worrying that the alienating parent will be upset or angry. The child’s mind and heart are preoccupied with the alienating parent and there is no room left for the child’s thoughts and feelings about the targeted parent.

Withdrawal of Love – Alienating parents make their approval of paramount importance to the child; so much so that the child would do anything to avoid the loss of love that is experienced when the child has disappointed or angered that parent. Typically, what angers and hurts the alienating parent most is the child’s love and affection for the targeted parent. Thus, to secure the love of one parent, the child must relinquish the love of the other. Although this is not something likely to be explicit to the child, it will be apparent to the targeted parent that the child lives in fear of losing the alienating parent’s love and approval.

Telling the Child that the Targeted Parent is Dangerous – A particular form of badmouthing, this involves creating the impression in the child that the targeted parent is or has been dangerous. Stories might be told about ways in which the targeted parent has tried to harm the child, about which the child has no memory but will believe to be true nonetheless, especially if the story is told often enough.

Forcing Child to Choose – The alienating parent will exploit ambiguities in the parenting plan and create opportunities to seduce/compel the child away from the targeted parent by scheduling competing activities and promising valued items and privileges. If both parents are present at the same time/location the child will favor the alienating parent and ignore or be rude to the targeted parent.

Telling the Child that the Targeted Parent Does not Love Him or Her – Another specific form of badmouthing occurs when the alienating parent allows or encourages the child to conclude that the targeted parent does not love him or her. The alienating parent might make statements that conflate the end of the marriage with the end of the parent’s love of the child (i.e., Mommy left us, or Daddy does not love us anymore). The alienating parent will foster the belief in the child that he/she is being rejected by the targeted parent and distort every situation to make it appear as if that is the case.

Confiding in the Child – The alienating parent will involve the child in discussions about legal matters and share with the child personal and private information about the targeted parent that the child has no need to know. The alienating parent will portray him/herself as the victim of the targeted parent, inducing the child to feel pity for and protective of the alienating parent, and anger and hurt toward the targeted parent. The confidences are shared in such a way as to flatter the child and appeal to his/her desire to be trusted and involved in adult matters.

Forcing the Child to Reject the Targeted Parent – Alienating parents create situations in which the child actively rejects the targeted parent, such as calling the targeted parent to cancel upcoming parenting time or request that the targeted parent not attend an important school or athletic event. Not only is the targeted parent being denied something that she/he truly desires but she/he is being delivered the news by the child, leading to feelings of hurt and frustration. The targeted parent may respond by lashing out at the child, further damaging their already fragile relationship. Further, once children have hurt a parent, the alienation will become entrenched as the child justifies his/her behavior by devaluing the targeted parent.

Asking the Child to Spy on the Targeted Parent – The targeted parents usually have information in their files, desk, or computer that is of interest to the alienating parent, such as paystubs, receipts, legal documents, medical reports, and so forth. An alienating parent might suggest directly to a child or hint that the targeted parent has information that she/he is not sharing with the alienating parent. The alienating parent will likely create the impetus in the child by linking the information to the child’s desires (i.e., if we knew whether Daddy got a raise, we could ask for more money and buy a new dog for you). Once children betray a parent by spying on them, they will likely feel guilty and uncomfortable being around that parent, thus furthering the alienation.

Asking the Child to Keep Secrets from the Targeted Parent – The alienating parent will ask or hint that certain information should be withheld from the targeted parent to protect the child’s interests. Such as, “If Mommy knew that we were planning on taking a trip she would take me to court and try to stop it. Let’s not tell her until Saturday, when it will be too late for her to interfere.” Like spying, keeping secrets creates psychological distance between the targeted parent and the child who may feel guilty and uncomfortable with the targeted parent. Obviously, when the targeted parent discovers that the child withheld the information the parent will be hurt and/or angry with the child.

Referring to the Targeted Parent by First Name – Rather than saying “Mommy/Daddy” or “your mommy/your daddy” the alienating parent will use the first name of the targeted parent when talking about that parent to the child. This may result in the child referring to the targeted parent by their first name as well. The message to the child is that the targeted parent is no longer someone whom the alienating parent respects as an authority figure for the child and no longer someone who has a special bond with the child. By referring to the targeted parent by their first name, the alienating parent is demoting that parent to the level of a peer or neighbor.

Referring to a Stepparent as “Mom” or “Dad” and Encouraging Child to do the Same – Once the alienating parent is remarried, she or he will speak of the new partner as if that parent were the only mother or father of the child. This parent will be introduced to others (teachers, coaches, parents of friends) as the “mother/father” rather than as the stepparent. The alienating parent will refer to that parent as the mother/father to the child and create the expectation that the child will do so as well. If the targeted parent should find out that the child is doing this, he/she will be hurt and angry with the child.

Withholding Medical, Academic, and Other Important Information from Targeted Parent/Keeping Targeted Parent’s Name Off Medical, Academic, and Other Relevant Documents – All-important forms from school, sports, religious education, and so forth ask for information about the child’s mother and father. The alienating parent will not provide information about the targeted parent in the appropriate place on the form and may not include the information at all. In this way, the targeted parent will be at a decided disadvantage in terms of accessing information, forging relationships, being contacted in emergencies, being invited to participate, being provided with changes in schedules/locations, and so forth. Further, the alienating parent will not provide the targeted parent with schedules, reading lists, notices, and the like from the school, coach, doctor, and so forth. Taken together, these twin strategies marginalize the targeted parent in the eyes of the child and important adults in his/her life. They also make it considerably more difficult for the targeted parent to be an active and involved parent.

Changing Child’s Name to Remove Association with Targeted Parent – If the alienating parent is the mother, she may revert to using her maiden name after the divorce and will institute a practice of using that name for her children as well. If the alienating parent is a mother and she remarries, she will assume the surname of her new husband and will institute a practice of using that new surname for her children as well. If the alienating parent is the father, he may start referring to the child with a new nickname (convincing the child that she or he has always been called by this name) and in this way forge a new identity for the child in which the alienating parent is the most important parent. The targeted parent may feel distant and awkward with the child who now refers to him or herself with a new name. The targeted parent may feel that the name change represents a rejection of him/her and will experience hurt, sadness, and frustration.

Cultivating Dependency/Undermining the Authority of the Targeted Parent – Alienated children often speak of the alienating parent as if that parent dependency/undermining were perfect, exceptional, and in every way above reproach. They also behave as if they are dependent on that parent in a way that is not necessary or appropriate given their age and life experience. Alienating parents can develop dependency in their children rather than (as is typical of non-alienating parents) help their children develop self-sufficiency, critical thinking, autonomy, and independence. At the same time, they will undermine the authority of the targeted parent to ensure that the child is loyal to only one parent. Examples include instituting rules that the child must follow even when with the targeted parent and mocking or overwriting the rules of the targeted parent. The alienating parent becomes elevated in the eyes of the child while the targeted parent becomes less important and less meaningful.