Here are 5 Common Behaviors of Alienating Parents:
- Bad mouthing the other parent to the child and in front of the child
- Limiting contact between the child and the other parent
- Erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child
- Creating the idea/impression that the other parent is dangerous
- Forcing the child to choose parents
Frequently alienating parents will say extremely negative things about the other parent not only in front of the child but to the child as well. The negativity can reach a level of an unending campaign or a rapid fire list of negativity about that parent. The allegations can include that the soon to be rejected parent has poor parenting skills, never really cared for the child and in fact was at times so angry he or she was very abusive. When such allegations are repeated frequently, loudly and intensely enough they become a reality to the child.
Actually, sometimes these behaviors become “facts” for the adult as well.
An alienating parent will frequently sign a child up for numerous activities in order for the child to be so preoccupied that there will very little time left for the soon to be rejected parent. There have been incidences where children were hospitalized and have gone through surgery without the other parent knowing. When the child is released from medical care, the child will confront the parent as to why they didn’t come to see them. If a court leaves the time sharing up to the alienating parent the soon to be rejected parent will have very little if any access to the child. Limiting contact between a parent and a child provides the opportunity for the alienating parent to tell the child all kinds of lies about that parent. Without opportunities to counter the falsehoods, the rejected parent’s absence is capitalized on by the alienating parent.
It is common for alienating parents to remove any evidence that the soon to be rejected parent ever lived there or is even alive. Photographs, belongings and even activities that that parent engaged in with the child are discarded.
In the example of activities, the child is discouraged from continuing in those activities that they participated in with the other parent.
If the child and parent were involved in soccer, the child will be discouraged from continuing in soccer suggesting that they never really liked that sport anyway. Their prior including in the sport will be used as proof that the other parent forced them to do things they did really want to do.
The alienating parent will “preach” that they have to be ever vigilant to watch out for the other parent because of their angry episodes and outbursts. One parent actually would tell the children to “run” when they would see the other parent instilling fear in the children at the very sight of the rejected parent.
This behavior would occur even when there was no possibility that the rejected parent could hurt because they were across the street during a parade that was passing by. Frequently children would be “reminded” of incidents when the other parent was abusive to the parent and child even though that never really happened. Also, children would be allowed to read court motions and pleadings that described allegations of abuse by the other parent. The legal documentation would be presented as proof that the abusive behaviors actually occurred.
The forcing can be giving children obvious choices such as “do you want to go with the soon to be rejected parent or go to your friend’s house for a sleepover?” Such choices become common place with the child making choice that is presented as the most fun. In addition alienating parents will have long, overly dramatic “good byes” that communicate that the parent is suffering tremendously by the child’s absence. Also, this suffering is being caused by the rejected parent’s selfishness in wanting to take the child from the alienating parent.
In some extreme cases the alienating parent will actually tell the child to choose, “if you love me, then stay here, if you don’t go with them”. This will be followed with “I don’t know what I did to deserve this rejection, after all I’m not the one that left us”. There will be very strong emphasis on “us”, not to leave the child out. He or she divorced “us”.
And the savvy, conniving abuser will also have court documents drawn up that the soon to be rejected parent is not allowed to discuss the divorce or parenting plan with the child or with anyone else who could possibly have contact with the child and were that “anyone else” to happen to talk to the child about the divorce or parenting plan then the soon-to-be rejected parent can have contempt of court filed against them. Of course the abusive parent discusses all of those things with the children when under his roof, gives them cell phones “for their safety” but there is no way for a lawyer- poor abused woman to prove in a court of law that he has done so and alienated her children. The abusive parent also has the papers drawn up so that the soon-to-be rejected parent is not allowed to talk to the child’s coach or school officials. Never happen you might think? No, I *saw* it happen. I was standing with her. When the abused wife couldn’t afford a decent lawyer the abusive husband did get away with it! (He controlled all the finances, he was hiding money in a Swiss account and she had NOTHING, not even a spatula from the kitchen. He spent nearly $100,000 on his lawyer–I saw the bank statements when he was forced to release them. )When visiting their mother two of the preteen / teenagers actually called the police on her because they were “afraid of her”. They couldn’t tell the police officers why and they couldn’t tell them anything she had done. The police told him to get back in the house and stop being stupid , not in those words but you get the idea . They secretively (read illegally) videotaped her and edited (dad did?) the tape to show her in a bad light. She was constantly told by the children that she was unsafe. This, a woman who had devoted her life to raising five children on Foreign Fields while her abusive husband paraded himself as a missionary. None of them could tell her why she was unsafe. One of them has returned to her. Why? Because narcissistic Daddy went nuclear on her and she finally realized what had been happening for three decades to her mother. Do not EVER think he’s (or she sometimes) has reached the lowest of low in behavior. That thinking will keep you off-guard and not prepare to to anticipate (and defend against) the fact that “low” has no bottom for these reprobates. Always anticipate the worst.
And they’ll tell their very expensive, very mean lawyer that you’re on drugs, rush an emergency hearing that the mother doesn’t know about and therefore she doesn’t attend, not knowing anything was wrong and loses all visitation rights.
Since she is disabled, she obviously can’t afford a lawyer for herself. All while being repeatedly asked by her wealthy mother “aren’t there free lawyers for poor people?” Yes, there are organizations that help, but with so many evictions and unemployment appeals due to covid, the “less urgent” cases, such as a parental alienation family court case.
So next, she calls every lawyer in town, praying she can find someone who accepts a sliding few scale, pro Bono or even just a lower-priced lawyer to help her fight back. Out of about 100 emails or messages to to lawyers, begging for help, as well as contacting 3 different legal aid places, not a single one was returned. Then, when she called again to most of them, she was told that they couldn’t see her, because of a conflict of interest – her ex went to every lawyer in town with a free consultation – not planning to hire one, just to make sure she couldn’t talk to anybody that would help her fight the case. N
Next, like you said, he changes her phone # “for safety,” deletes the only email ther mother has for him and their daughter – but of course, she can’t prove it, nor can she prove the badmouthing he has done, a making her daughter hate her. He refuses to talk to her and tells her it is not his job to make her look good and he refuses to support mother-daughtwr contact at all costs. Including violating every other order in their parenting plan. No listing in the school directory, no contact with the school for conferences, school band concerts, no notice when her daughter broke her hand, no info about her sports teams, the list goes on and on. But again, she can’t prove it.
Then, he tries telling the mom she can’t date certain people – because he is a jealous narcissist who still blames (4 yrs later) her for all his issues. He says for her to grow up, get it together and that he doesn’t have to deal with her anymore.
When he can’t control who she dates and is asked to invite her fiance to the family Thanksgiving at her mom’s, so when he hears about it, he throws a fit and then starts to alienate the maternal grandma, cousins, aunts and uncles on the mom’s side. He regularly makes up stories – mostly lies
or half-truths) to spread to her family, who has turned their backs on her because of the lies – not even bothering to find out the truth and once it slaps them in the face, still don’t believe it.
He’s so delusional, that he starts lying to the maternal grandmother, the woman’s brothers and sisters-in-law and friends about everything. Telling her brother lies about his mom and trying to get aggressive with her brother to start a fight. Eventually he cuts off contact with them all too – and to the child too.
He tells the daughter (as well as others, in front of her) how dangerous her mom is. Now that he remarried, he wants to relocate 8 hours away with the daughter and expects the mother to just sign over her rights.
Finally a lawyer calls back, she has a consultation, but he doesn’t take payments and she still can’t afford a lawyer. So what does she do? The only thing she can – defeated accept that she’s going to be going to court pro se (alone, representing herself)… imagine how well that’s gonna go. “How do you know all this?” you ask… I know all this because “she” is “me.”
I haven’t heard from daughter in 2.5 years and counting. Still don’t have $ or a lawyer and have no idea how to properly get a court hearing or defend myself against his lies to his lawyer. My daughter is completely brainwashed by him and I honestly doubt she and I will ever have a relationship again… narcs are awesome! 😢
Hi there I know I’m late late responding I’m just now reading this and I hope I can help.. What you’re meeting is a motion to modify current custody is rent custody or support in whatever state you’re in period and and you could also go the DFS route go in there and speak to a child at lightum and explain to them what is going on And 9 times out of 10 they are familiar with those types of cases and will pick up the case because that is considered emotional abuse of a child.
Oh no. please don’t say it will be that long. the cycles used to only be for 2-3 months at a time. my heart sunk when I read that part. I am so sorry for you and I am currently living that hell.
I was thinking that you were in my head. Every time I hear peoples stories it is the EXACT SAME THING I HAVE ENDURED! Its so obvious and repetitious how in the hell isn’t there some basic algorithm test to show or rule this out???
Mental abuse is FAR worse than physical abuse or sexual abuse, and I have known them all. At least you can heal from a bruise or cut. You can never get away from mental trauma. Especially knowing that you as a mother failed your children. You failed to protect your children from the same monster that abused you. How did I not learn the pattern of abuse from my own trauma? How could I be so stupid. My daughter just turned 18 and my son is 28. I haven’t seen them for months, and that narcissistic FUK was plotting this for months just like he made his exit plan to leave me. I am so sick for all the people out there enduring this. I set up a fake account because he hacked my accounts, and am freely publishing it if anyone wants to reach out and talk.
Somebody is going to end up in the bone yard.
This is my In-laws they have been doing this to my daughter and I for 6 years now I have not seen her in 2 I am so scared to be told no when I file for a modified parenting plan
This is exactly what is going on with me. My ex signed both kids up traveling soccer, knowing im disabled and couldn’t travel often, the kids had to choose and when i disagreed he’d say it’s my fault they can’t play l he convinced them I was using drugs, my kids were terrified and I wasn’t going to allow it. It was terribly painful, but I had to stop it. I let them go, and slowly I was erased. No one else in the family but me. Even my daughter was accepted. My son had surgery, stayed in hospital I was never notified. I was kept from school activities. The teachers wouldn’t even let me speak with them. Schools believe what the custodial parent says. He’s convinced them I’m crazy. For 5 years I didn’t have a phone number or a adress. My family wasn’t even supposed to give it to me . This year my son graduated. No pictures of me and him, even though I’m the one who gave the pictures to my sister, I was nothing in his life. He just recently contacted me, I’m so an fry I don’t know my son. This is terrible. I, stuck in not telling the truth, I don’t want them to hate me and everyone else who’s been responsible for this, they’d be hurt so badly.
I’m dealing with this now. Attorney’s helping my ex alienate our children from me. The corruption that I have witnessed in my own court case, with the documentation to prove it.
After 13 year if being the primary care of my daughter. Her father resides he wanted 50% cared share. We went to mediation where I was more than willing to compromise as I have always kept the door opened for her father to be apart of her life. After the third mediation appt he cancelled at got the certificate. Ella was in his shared care time. This is when he has block me from all communication including social media. He left me a verbal abusive voicemail saying I would never speak or see my daughter again. Ge took her our of school and has served me with a FVRO and also has filed parental orders where now I have court coming up very soon. Its been 2 and a half mths since ive seen my girl. Its killing me with everything that he has done including turning my daughter against me.
Hopefully you have an attorney to help with this. If not have you checked with legal aid or the states bar to get someone to help you?
I ended up getting legal aid. Weve been to court once already and the judge was not impressed with the father bringing our daughter to the court hearing. Apparently a big no no! Also wasn’t happy that Ella has not been able to see me. He ordered visitation days 3 times a wk. We where in instructured a meeting place with the times and the days. He never showed up! It been nearly 5months since ive seen or spoken with her. As of last wk found that he relocated up north because of work.
We have a child case assessment Conference on the 21st feb not.sure what to expect..
Courts need to get with this and catch up quickly on alienation! It’s mike they don’t want to hear it. I’m in the middle of this too. No communication with my daughter for 11 months. Ex fits every description of alienator and narcissist. Courts do nothing! Nothing is enforceable and now it’s gone on too long. My daughter is completely brainwashed.
I was already very aware of these behaviors – as I’m experiencing them with my ex in regards to being alienated from my children – but seeing #3 in writing (erasing the parent from the life and mind of the child) REALLY hit me hard! I’ve vocalized this as “it feels as if they don’t even acknowledge I’m alive”. After divorcing my emotionally abusive ex, I broke down and did hurt my children with my selfishness at times – but I never abandoned them! I needed help and went and got it. I never stopped trying to contact them or see them. He had an order created to obtain sole custody. His words to them and others have completely brainwashed them into believing that I am not worth loving or even existing. They want me out. They would not care if I were dead. I was an intensely protective, selfless and loving mother. A helicoptor mom! Everyone could see it. I made every sacrifice for them. And now, I am dead to them. I’ve submitted a modification to the custody order. Mediation was to take place first. He rejected it in favor of just going straight to court. He is in severe violation of the court order. Will the courts care about any of this ? No ! They’d rather the children live in a toxic environment where they are brainwashed their mother doesn’t exist and doesn’t love them. I have proof of what they are told and proof of the violations. BUT the court won’t care. I’ve lost before I even go to court.
This is my exact situation. Hugs for all alienated moms!
Wow I thought it was just me? I’m SO SHOCKED by the way I’ve been through such a AWEFUL experience as well with my son and my X, my judge has been bia’s Ive needed help my son is Grieving and the judge has ignored my son’s best interest’s being bia’s and horrible to me from day one I wasn’t allowed to speak! My X took my son and he has been horribly brainwashed as well but wants to come home and I haven’t seen or spoken to him in almost a yr… I need help!
Your advice was quite helpful. These pointers may be used in any area that requires originality, creativity, and difference, not simply Parental Alienation Canada I hope you get more information.
I am a mother of three. I am also a mother who has been alienated/erased from their lives. I was first arrested for domestic violence and did jail time, but I wasn’t the perp. I was defending myself from his aggressive behavior. Because I was so emotional my behavior made me look out of control and I was. I had never been apart from my children, not one day, until I fled from our home one evening to avoid more physical abuse. Returning home after a single day had passed I was presented with a court order to leave our home when I refused I was physically picked up and thrown out the front door. This happened three times before I ran away to a neighbors house to take refuge. After awhile, looking from my neighbors kitchen window over at my house, I saw two police cars parked in driveway. I rushed home to talk to the police only to be stopped on the lawn and restrained by handcuffing me and searching me for weapons. Again I was highly emotional over this and that only contributed to making the situation worse. Looking towards my house I saw my three children peering out the front window watching everything, I quickly regained my composure. Seeing my husband standing by the front door, a half smile on his face, satisfied at my humiliation. I had walked unwittingly into a scene manipulated by him. I could go on and on. The end result is I haven’t seen or heard from my three children in 21 years. It blows my mind. Its a haunting feeling of loss and grief that is not allowed to be expressed due to stigmas and the fact that my children are still living! The long term affect has been, for me anyway, loss of identity, living in the past mentally while moving through life in the present, not feeling truly happy for fear I’m not respecting the hurt and pain my children must be going through or went through. Not committing to a serious relationship for fear it would seem I’ve moved on and abandoned them. In my heart, perhaps I had the fantasy that in time I would be welcomed back home and the traumas would be healed and we would all go back to being the precious, tight, loving family we had been for many years before. My advice to someone who is in the midst of a bitter separation, divorce or custody battle is this, immediately cleanup your act, get your ducks in a row, your mind on alert. I am not a professional I am just a mother who reacted rather than acted in the best interest of her children. Don’t count on the family courts to save you. The people have minimal training in detecting a manipulative parent. The more you attempt to defend yourself the more you will be persieved as an emotionally unstable parent and prevented from being with your child. Taken further restraining orders and no contact orders will follow one after the previous one expires. Think smart, show self-control and keep working and living independently. Hopefully the judge will take notice and regard you capable of positive parenting and put the other parent in check for their tactics they have used against you to prove otherwise. Poor children that have to deal with this sh%#!